sara.torrome@live.co.uk

When we lose a loved one, we are inundated with a wave of different emotions. No two people grieve the same way but there are common emotions that most people experience through the grieving process and anger is one of them.

While we expect to feel great sadness, loneliness and a sense of injustice, anger can come as a shock to some people, so we often struggle with how to process our anger and make sense of it.

Why we feel anger in grief

There are many reasons why we may feel anger when we are grieving and exploring these feelings, confronting them rather that burying them, holds the key to processing our anger so that we can move on.

You may be frustrated because your loved one has left you, particularly if their death was self-inflicted, through suicide, substance abuse or reckless behaviour. You may be angry at the situation and the people involved or at a higher power such as God or fate. For example, it is common to feel anger towards, doctors, nurses or other professionals who may have been involved and, in your eyes, could have done more to prevent your loss.

You may feel resentment towards friends and family who may not be experiencing the loss that you feel. You may even resent other people, such as friends or work colleagues because they are happy and not suffering the way you are.

Your anger may even be directed inward, at yourself, for the way you are feeling, for what you did or didn’t do or say.

Ways to deal with your anger

The most important thing to do is to not bury your anger, but confront it, no matter how uncomfortable that may be. If you explore the root cause of your anger, you can begin to make sense of it which will enable you to move forward in a more positive way.

One way to explore your anger is by talking to the person who has died. Expressing your thoughts and feelings out loud may help you understand why you are angry. This way you may find it easier to let go of your anger. Just realise that letting go of your anger does not mean you are letting go of the person.

Finding alternative ways of expressing your anger is also a good way to help you move on. This could be through exercise and the feel good endorphins that are released through exercise. This could also be by expressing yourself creatively, through art, photography, crafting or any other creative hobby or pastime you have.

It is also important to explore other uncomfortable feelings, such as sadness, fear and pain as this may help you understand your anger better.

Summary

The anger that you feel when you lose someone is perfectly natural. Spend some time exploring your feelings, reflecting on your thoughts so that you can better understand your anger. Accept it as part of your grieving process and try a number of different ways to express it. That way, you may find it easier to move on and integrate your loss into your life in a more positive way.

If you are suffering with feelings of anger due to a bereavement, you should seek professional help. As a qualified counsellor who specialises in bereavement and loss, I can help you find ways to cope with those feelings and move forward positively

It is difficult to tell the difference between PTSD and grief – they are both powerful emotions that can leave you feel overwhelmed and the symptoms of both overlap in many ways. However, one clear difference is that grief is a normal reaction to loss whereas PTSD is defined as a mental disorder. That said, prolonged grief, or complicated bereavement is more challenging than normal grief, which can lessen after several weeks or months and, like PTSD, requires professional guidance.

What are the symptoms of complicated bereavement?

Losing a loved one is one of most emotional challenges you will ever face in your life. The process of grief that most people go through is completely normal. You can experience feelings of anger, sadness, denial and bargaining before reaching some kind of acceptance to enable you to move forwards with your life and live with your grief in a positive way.

However, sometimes, grief can have a more dramatic impact on your health and well being, which, without professional help, does not diminish over time. This could occur , although not always, in the case of sudden rather than expected bereavement.

Some of the symptoms include:

Bouts of anger or bitterness
Insomnia and nightmares
Strong feelings of responsibility for/ unfinished business with the person who has died
An inability to continue as normal
A sense of futility or hopelessness
Avoiding social situations
Intrusive thoughts about your loss or the person who has died

With complicated bereavement, these feelings continue for more than a couple of months after the person has died. It can have a huge impact on your life, resulting in difficulties at work, at home and with your relationships. If you are feeling overwhelmed by the loss of a loved one, please get in touch so we can discuss how I can help you make sense of your grief so you can move forward in a positive way.

What is PTSD?

PTSD was a term originally coined to describe the impact upon veterans of the Vietnam War (previously known as ‘shell shock’). Nowadays, it is a clearly defined condition which covers a range of symptoms caused by trauma. This includes physical trauma, psychological trauma, neglect and all forms of abuse, often, but not always taking place in childhood. PTSD can also be a result of major accidents and natural disasters.

What are the symptoms of PTSD?

There are 5 key symptoms or reactions of PTSD, some of which may be experienced in complicated bereavement, but for a diagnosis of PTSD, there needs to be evidence of all 5.

Exposure to actual or threatened death, serious injury, abuse or sexual violence
Avoiding external reminder of the trauma, such as people, places or things, or internal reminders, like thoughts, feelings or memories
Intrusive nightmares, thoughts or memories
Changes in mood such as blaming yourself, not trusting others or a belief that the world is unsafe
Big changes in behaviour or arousal, such as angry outbursts, hyper vigilance, being easily startled or jumpy, or struggling with sleep

If you are suffering with feelings that may be associates with PTSD or have experienced a traumatic event in your life which has negatively impacted your feelings, emotions and behaviour, you should seek professional help. As a qualified counsellor who specialises in bereavement and loss, I can help you find ways to cope with those feelings and move forward positively.