Month: November 2022

With 1 in 8 couples struggling to conceive, there is no shortage of people out there who are on the lonely fertility journey. But the problem is that many people don’t talk, don’t share, instead choosing to lock themselves away from friends and family, putting their lives on pause and going through it alone.

It’s easy to see why. Conception comes so easily to some people and you may be at an age where it seems like everyone you know is getting pregnant and having kids, even if they hadn’t planned to. This makes it all the more difficult if you are struggling to conceive.

When you’re on your fertility journey, you are bombarded with difficult situations that compound your loneliness. You can’t walk through a park without seeing mums playing with toddlers.  Buying Christmas presents or baby shower presents becomes a painful experience.

To make matters worse, your pregnant friends and those already with kids talk in their coded language about their journeys and experiences that you can’t join in with. Because you have your own language that no-one knows, one of blood test after blood test, early morning injections and fertility drugs. You see everyone’s life moving forwards, whereas you are some kind of fertility limbo, too old for parties and cocktails but not yet in the realm of motherhood.

So it is natural to withdraw from all of that and hide under the duvet. You don’t want to offend your friends, and you don’t want to share the difficulties that you face on a daily basis, so you cut them out. This can make your loneliness and isolation even worse and put your relationship under a huge amount of stress.

However, it is important that you try and break this cycle to help you through the difficult process of trying to conceive. Regardless of how awkward you feel, you need to reach out to friends and family, sharing and discussing your thoughts and feelings. This may be even more difficult if your friends are new mums, but be honest with them. Tell them that you are really happy for them, and you want to be there for them as a friend, but you are on a different and altogether more difficult journey that involves a variety of different emotions. They will understand, and you will feel so much better just sharing your experiences with someone.

Another outlet for your emotions would be a support group – they do exist. Connect with women on the same journey, there may be fewer of them, but you will have similar experiences and speaking to them about your journey will help you make sense of the emotions you are feeling.

If you are really struggling and feel completely isolated by your fertility issues, reaching out to a professional is also a great idea to give you that outlet, so you can make sense of your emotions and feel better prepared for the road ahead, whatever that may look like.

If you, a friend, or family member are struggling to conceive or you are already engaged in fertility treatment and feel lonely and isolated, I am here to provide confidential, non-judgemental fertility counselling in Beaconsfield and online. Get in touch to arrange an initial consultation at a time that suits you. 

When we lose a loved one, we are inundated with a wave of different emotions. No two people grieve the same way but there are common emotions that most people experience through the grieving process and anger is one of them.

While we expect to feel great sadness, loneliness and a sense of injustice, anger can come as a shock to some people, so we often struggle with how to process our anger and make sense of it.

Why we feel anger in grief

There are many reasons why we may feel anger when we are grieving and exploring these feelings, confronting them rather that burying them, holds the key to processing our anger so that we can move on.

You may be frustrated because your loved one has left you, particularly if their death was self-inflicted, through suicide, substance abuse or reckless behaviour. You may be angry at the situation and the people involved or at a higher power such as God or fate. For example, it is common to feel anger towards, doctors, nurses or other professionals who may have been involved and, in your eyes, could have done more to prevent your loss.

You may feel resentment towards friends and family who may not be experiencing the loss that you feel. You may even resent other people, such as friends or work colleagues because they are happy and not suffering the way you are.

Your anger may even be directed inward, at yourself, for the way you are feeling, for what you did or didn’t do or say.

Ways to deal with your anger

The most important thing to do is to not bury your anger, but confront it, no matter how uncomfortable that may be. If you explore the root cause of your anger, you can begin to make sense of it which will enable you to move forward in a more positive way.

One way to explore your anger is by talking to the person who has died. Expressing your thoughts and feelings out loud may help you understand why you are angry. This way you may find it easier to let go of your anger. Just realise that letting go of your anger does not mean you are letting go of the person.

Finding alternative ways of expressing your anger is also a good way to help you move on. This could be through exercise and the feel good endorphins that are released through exercise. This could also be by expressing yourself creatively, through art, photography, crafting or any other creative hobby or pastime you have.

It is also important to explore other uncomfortable feelings, such as sadness, fear and pain as this may help you understand your anger better.

Summary

The anger that you feel when you lose someone is perfectly natural. Spend some time exploring your feelings, reflecting on your thoughts so that you can better understand your anger. Accept it as part of your grieving process and try a number of different ways to express it. That way, you may find it easier to move on and integrate your loss into your life in a more positive way.

If you are suffering with feelings of anger due to a bereavement, you should seek professional help. As a qualified counsellor who specialises in bereavement and loss, I can help you find ways to cope with those feelings and move forward positively