Month: July 2022

Over the years as a fertility and bereavement counsellor in Beaconsfield, I have seen how couples who have gone through miscarriage don’t just grieve over the loss of their child. They can also, in many cases, worry quite heavily about what their friends, family, and colleagues will say about what has happened. Having to explain the situation to others, along with hearing what they say back, can be a challenging experience. 

Miscarriage is such a sensitive topic, and while those around you obviously only mean well and want to support you, it is common for them to say the wrong thing and make the situation worse. If you have a loved one who is going through miscarriage, this blog post gives you some pointers about what not to say when discussing this challenging topic. 

You Can Always Try Again

This is perhaps the most common response someone might have to hearing of a friend or family member going through a miscarriage. I know that the sentiment behind this quote is warm, and encourages the persons involved to look towards the future, rather than dwell on the past, but it fails to recognise the most crucial point: that they don’t want another baby, they want this baby. Perhaps one day they will try again, but at this early stage, they are still grieving over the child they have lost, so acknowledging that is important. 

A Quarter of Pregnancies End in Miscarriage

I know that people often use this statistic in an attempt to ‘normalise’ the miscarriage, but in doing so it also turns something extremely real – and painful – into just another number, which is not something the affected party wants to hear. Also, it is worth remembering that the person who has gone through the miscarriage definitely knows this statistic already. They have no doubt scoured forums and read plenty of articles, so they don’t need to hear it from anyone else. 

At Least It Happened Early

This is a particularly insensitive one. The implication here is that just because the couple didn’t know their baby, it is less painful than if they were to lose that baby at a young age. What people who haven’t miscarried before often don’t know, however, is that the expecting mother and father have a dream baby in their minds from the moment they get that positive result – something that grows as the pregnancy progresses. They do, in fact, already know their baby intimately. So always remember that there is no good time to lose a child, whether it happens in utero or not. 

If you have a friend or family member who is struggling after a miscarriage, or if you’ve experienced one yourself, I am here to provide confidential, non-judgemental miscarriage and bereavement counselling in Beaconsfield and online. Get in touch to arrange an initial consultation at a time that suits you. 

When someone close to you has recently suffered from a bereavement of some kind, it can be hard to know what to say or do. Often people will worry about saying the wrong thing, or doing something that makes the situation worse. We all mean well, of course, but supporting a grieving person is a complex, delicate process, and you shouldn’t be expected to get it absolutely right.

To help you navigate this difficult time with your loved one – whether it’s a friend, family member, or partner – this blog post walks you through four things to keep in mind when you’re with someone going through grief.

Don’t Expect Them To ‘Move On’ Eventually 

As someone who has delivered bereavement counselling in Beaconsfield for many years, I know that many people tend to wrongly assume that there is some sort of expiry date on grief. The truth is that grief is far from linear; not everyone grieves in the same way, and sometimes it kicks in a long time after the fact. So it’s important to never assume that your loved one has moved on because a certain amount of time has passed. Be sure to check in on them once in a while; ask them how they are feeling and whether there’s anything you can do.

Help With Practical Tasks 

Offering help with everyday tasks can be an extremely helpful thing for someone who is grieving. It could be that the person who has died fulfilled certain roles that are now your loved one’s sole responsibility, which only makes their life more stressful. The minutiae of everyday life can be too much for a bereaved individual anyway, so assisting them in any way will be useful. This could include cleaning, assisting with children or pets, or giving them a place to stay.

Acknowledge That There Will Be Mood Swings 

It is important to remember that a grieving person can float between different moods in a short space of time. This is a normal part of grief, and something we should encourage, for it is their way of processing what has happened. They may be talkative, then go quiet all of a sudden. Sometimes a grieving person will want to be left alone, while on other occasions they might need someone to talk to. Whatever emotion they are feeling, being able to handle it is a crucial form of support that they’ll benefit from receiving.

Remember: Two Ears, One Mouth

I know that it feels tempting to say “the right thing”, but usually this doesn’t work, and can sometimes make them feel worse. As a rule, avoid making suggestions about what your loved one should or shouldn’t do at this moment in time. While this advice is always underpinned by the best intentions, rarely is it ever actually helpful.

By extension, trying to explain or somehow ameliorate their loss – “they’re in a better place now”, etc. – is considerably less useful than simply displaying basic empathy and listening. All you need to do, really, is acknowledge that they are going for a hard time and make sure they know you’re here for them.

If you or a loved one is struggling with a recent bereavement of some kind, feel free to get in touch with me to set up an initial appointment for bereavement counselling in Beaconsfield or online.