Grief is unique to each of us. No two people experience the loss of a loved one in quite the same way, and there's no single "correct" way to grieve. But one feeling that comes up again and again for people I work with is guilt, and it's one of the hardest parts of loss to talk about.

If you've been feeling guilty since your loved one passed away, even when logically you know you have nothing to feel guilty for, this is for you.

Why guilt shows up after loss

Guilt after bereavement is incredibly common, and it can take many different forms. Some of the most frequent reasons include:

• Believing you could have done more.
  You might find yourself replaying events, wondering if there was something you could have said or done differently that might have changed the outcome.
• Guilt about being alive.
  It's not unusual to feel uncomfortable, or even guilty, that you're still here when your loved one is not.
• Worrying you're "grieving wrong".
  Many people worry they're not sad enough, too sad, moving on too quickly, or not moving on quickly enough and feel guilty as a result.
• Feelings of relief.
  If you cared for someone through a long illness, you may feel a sense of relief once their suffering has ended, and then feel guilty for feeling relieved at all.

Whatever shape your guilt takes, it's important to know that it doesn't reflect the truth of what happened, or what kind of person you are. It's a natural, if painful, part of how many of us process loss.

How to deal with grief guilt

• Acknowledge the feeling.
  Guilt is a genuine emotion, and it deserves to be recognised rather than pushed away. Naming it "I feel guilty right now", can take away some of its power. Remember that feeling guilty doesn't mean you're actually at fault.
• Practise self-forgiveness and self-compassion.
  Try to speak to yourself the way you would speak to a friend going through the same thing. You almost certainly did the best you could with what you knew at the time.
• Seek support.
  Guilt can be difficult to untangle on your own, especially when it's tied up with complicated emotions like relief or regret. Talking things through with someone trained in bereavement support can help you make sense of these feelings and begin to let some of that guilt go.

Grief guilt can feel very lonely, but it's far more common than most people realise and it doesn't have to be carried alone.

If guilt is weighing on you after the loss of a loved one, I'm here to help you work through it in a safe, non-judgemental space.
Get in touch to find out more about bereavement counselling.